A resource prepared for
gay leathermen & leatherdykes in San Diego.
May broader audiences also find this useful.
6. San Diego
Introductions
between leatherfolk are a great connector.
We'll start by introducing ourselves by first names.
It's a catch-all phrase to describe a mindset for how we approach and incorporate our personal kinks into our life and relationships. Wearing "leather" is not required in order to be a leatherperson, but it is pretty common. We acknowledge our heart's desires and unleash our spirit to explore and celebrate.
- Abrasion
- Animal roles (puppy, pony, etc.)
- Ball torture & ball stretching
- Beating
- Biting
- Blindfolds
- Body worship
- Bondage
- Boot worship
- Branding
- Breath control
- Buttplugs
- Cages & cells
- Caning
- Catheterization
- Chains
- Chastity
- Clothespins
- Cock torture
- Cock worship
- Collars
- Cowboys & cowgirls
- Cuttings
- Dildos
- Enemas
- Fire play
- Fisting (anal & vaginal)
- Haircuts (flat-tops, Marine high-n-tights, etc.)
- Flogging
- Foot worship
- Fucking
- Gags
- Gas masks
- Glove play
- Group scenes
- Handcuffs
- Harnesses
- Hoods
- Ice cubes
- Interrogations
- Kidnapping
- Kneeling
- Latex clothing
- Leather clothing
- Manacles & irons
- Marks / bruises
- Medical scenes
- Military scenes (Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines)
- Motorcycles
- Mummification
- Obedience
- Pain
- Piercing (temporary & permanent)
- Prison scenes
- Rape fantasy
- Rituals
- Rope
- Rubber clothing
- Scent worship (musk in groin & armpits for example)
- Sensory deprivation
- Service / serving
- Sex
- Shaving
- Sleepsacks
- Sounds (metal urethral or vaginal rods)
- Spanking
- Spitting
- Straight jackets
- Sucking / "going down"
- Surrender
- Suspension
- Tickling
- Tit clamps
- Tongue bath / tongue worship
- Uniforms (police, military, delivery man, etc.)
- Verbal humiliation
- Voting to protect one's freedom of expression, including sexual and spiritual expression
- Water sports
- Wax (hot, dripping)
- Whipping
- Wrestling
- Top/bottom
- Dominant/submissive ("D/s")
- Daddy/boy (&"boi") -- a D/s relationship where often the boy has some input
- pup/Handler – generally a playful relationship
- Master/slave -- a control/obedience relationship where the slave strives to conform to the Master's will
- Polyamorous ("poly") -- multi-member families
- Online is not the same as real life
- Submissives can choose to whom to offer their submission. They do not have to be submissive to all Doms
- The Nine Degrees Of Submission can help discern between nuances of submission
- Contracts are one means to be explicit about the expectations and desires of both parties, though they are by no means universal. Here are my family's contracts and a collection of contracts
- Protocol is a code of correct conduct. In leather, it is a specific Top / Dom / Daddy / Master's rules for their bottom / submissive / boy / slave
- A checklist is one way to identify boundaries for oneself and communicate that information with a potential partner
- Sexual intercourse is not necessarily part of a leather scene
- Groups provide a way of meeting folks but usually any parties are held separately and can exclude vanilla sex to avoid being hassled by prostitution laws
- Dungeon parties and private parties are one way to explore leather sexuality
- Some parties or runs require sponsors / references to get in. If interested, make yourself known, discreetly inquire where there are private parties, and when you find someone who is connected, ask if the person will sponsor you. It may take a while for the person to develop the comfort level necessary to take the calculated risk to sponsor you, so be patient
- Please read the section on party protocol in the above link, as party protocol is important (1) to help encourage the right energy and (2) to be allowed back
- One-on-one with someone you trust is perhaps best for surrender
- Left = Top, right = bottom
- Common "handkerchief code" colors: black = SM, gray = bondage, hunter green = Daddy/boy
- Collars - traditionally mean this person is taken
- Know your partner -- to stay alive. If the person is a stranger to you, make sure someone knows with whom you are leaving. Here are a couple of ideas:
- If you've met someone online and are headed to their house, e-mail the address to a trusted friend
- If you've met someone in person and would like to head home with them, ask to see their driver's license to call a trusted friend with the name. If done politely most leatherfolk would understand that this is a step toward helping you surrender more fully for the evening
- Safewords -- one means of helping a Top know what's going on. However, some reputable Tops do not use safewords because they feel they inhibit deep surrender
Know your own personal
truth so that you can state it in a clear, respectful manner. Here's an
example:
Sir, you having a fun, hot experience is very important. At the same time, there
are some health issues I need to communicate so that you can make informed
decisions. For example, I am HIV-positive, so please take whatever personal
precautions you feel are appropriate. Also, oral sex is very hot, but has some
gray areas. If you got all worked up and wanted to blow a man-load, I'd be
mighty excited to feel it if allowed. Would you please shoot it outside my
mouth, Sir? Thank you, Sir!
The
leather tribe works with power.
Many folks do it well and with style.
The tribe does have a history, however, of friendly fire -- eating our own.
My observation is that we can each help contain these fires with these actions:
1. When disagreements happen, and they will, be respectful
2. Discreet, constructive input is helpful
3. Avoid gossip
- Jack Rinella's LeatherViews.com has extensive writings on a broad variety of topics
- Joe Gallagher's LEATHERPAGE.COM features columnists from around the country
- OfficerWes.com will get you to the information I've compiled about leather and spirituality, Dominance and submission & Mastery and slavery, uniforms, erotic electricity, making a rope harness, dungeon parties, Tom's fisting site, and my leather family -- but be sure to check out the concise, external Leather/SM Resources
There are plenty of good or decent books nowadays. These are the two I'd recommend for a person starting out in leather:
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and The Serious Player by Joseph W. Bean was a rich delight to read. Many in the Collars' audience will appreciate the content, accurately described by the chapter titles: "Getting Started in Leathersex", "Playing with Power and Sex", "Playing with Pain", "Playing with Pleasure", "Playing with Life and Death", "Leather Relationships", "Anatomy, Physiology, and First Aid" and "Leathersex and Spirituality".
The author's writing style is both engaging and informative. "Leather Relationships" has an intimate quality to it, including an interesting interview with the founders of MAsT and another with the author's late boy. The latter interview and writings around it answer, as best I've seen, the question "What is a 'boy'?" "Playing with Pain" included information on some techniques for pain processing and storage that I'd not run across in book form before. "Leathersex and Spirituality" is a short but welcome chapter.
The book flows well.
The author does not shirk from addressing edgy topics when relevant.
The index is exhaustive.
I highly recommend Leathersex to a gay male leather audience.
Three thoughts
- groups.queernet.org -- "QueerNet Groups is the home to hundreds of email-based communities for the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered, HIV/AIDS, and leather/S&M communities." Click the link, scroll way down to the adult section near the bottom and try something like gl-asb (an acronym for "gay/lesbian-alt.sex.bondage")
- Clean and sober? There's an open AA meeting for Leatherfolk called "Sober Minded Leatherfolk" on Fridays at 8pm at the gay & lesbian Alano Club, 1730 Monroe Ave
- Events in the San Diego area for Leather, BDSM, Bears, Imperial Court, etc. are listed on SDCalendar at groups.yahoo.com/group/SDCalendar/cal
- San Diego & regional/national events of interest for Southern California-based gay leathermen are posted to San Diego Leathermen's Events at groups.yahoo.com/group/sdle/
- Wendy Sue regularly compiles San Diego & regional/national events of interest for Southern California-based leatherwomyn. If you're interested, e-mail her at WSUEB at aol.com and write 'put me on the leather list' in the subject line.
- Bears of San Diego www.bearssd.org is a club for bears (big furry men) and bear fanciers
- Club X San Diego www.clubxsd.org is a pansexual (all inclusive: male, female, transgender, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.) gateway group
- San Diego Leatherboys is a group of self-identified leather boys and has a site at www.sdleatherboys.org
- San Diego League of Gentlemen www.sdlog.net is a gay leathermen's social group providing opportunities for friendship, mentoring and education
- The San Diego Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence - The Asylum of the Tortured Heart www.sdsisters.org has members from and does lots of activities with the Leather community
- TNGSD · Next Generation-San Diego groups.yahoo.com/group/TNGSD/ is a group for those who are into the lifestyle or wish to know more and are between 18-35
- The womyn's community has 'Thursday Women's Leather Rap.' It meets the 3rd Thursday of the month at Bienestar, 3020 North Park Way, from 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. "Curious and new leather women are always welcome! Come and share your views, ideas, suggestions, opinions and chocolate."
- Yellow Hankies San Diego (YHSD) groups.yahoo.com/groups/yhsd/ for men who are into Water Sports & Kink Play. Holds two monthly socials on the first Thursday & third Wednesday of every month at the San Diego Eagle.
- Eagle, 3040 North Park Way, www.sandiegoeagle.com
- Pecs, 2046 University Avenue, www.pecsbar.com is the place for bears
- Rich's, 1051 University Avenue, www.richssandiego.com -- not usually a leather bar but the 3rd Saturday of the month is "L.L. Bear," a night of Leather, Levi's and Bears
- Wendy Sue relays: There really isn't a womyn's leather bar in San Diego though leather womyn are welcome at '6 Degrees' (3175 India St.) and we have had/do have leather events there. The men's leather bars are quite welcoming to leather womyn during leather events. I advise womyn to go as a group to a men's leather bar if an event isn't going on and it's just a regular night for safety outside the bars.
- The Rubber Rose (women oriented), 3812 Ray Street, 619-296-7673 (closed Mondays).
- Pleasures & Treasures, 2228 University Ave., 619-822-4280 (closed Tuesdays).
Of note: Slings can be rented here.